


im awake, im alive

by turntechCorvid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Flashbacks, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also this pesterlog was hell to format, this is a self indulgent vent fic and im not even gonna pretend otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechCorvid/pseuds/turntechCorvid
Summary: Your name is Dave Strider. It's the middle of summer and you just fucked up during a strife with your Bro.





	im awake, im alive

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic i wrote around 3 in the morning so heads up for some pretty bad/graphic child abuse stuff and flashbacks which is more the focus of the fic. please keep those things in mind as you read the fic, especially if youre sensitive to it! also i dont have a set time that this takes place but think either on the meteor or early earth c

It’s hot, incredibly hot. The 90 degree weather is bad enough on it’s own but you’ve been out here too long and it’s starting to get to you. Your name is Dave Strider and currently you’re on a roof in the middle of summer in goddamn Texas of all places. You’re 11 years old and you’ve been out here for almost 2 hours now, strifing with your Bro. You hate it out here but you’d never admit it, that’d piss him off. He’s gotta be feeling the heat just as much as you are but he doesn’t show a sign of exhaustion. You have to keep up, have to keep training to be the badass kid he wants you to be. Have to earn his approval and get as good as he is at some point.

 

You can barely see him and when you can the air shimmers from the heat, making him hard to see. Maybe you can’t see him at all and it’s just the hot air and his afterimage.

 

You try to keep up with him, never missing a beat with your sword. You breathe rapidly and steady yourself, wondering how long he’s going to keep you out here. The AC is broke inside but at least you have fans and shade, this is downright awful and with the height it’s no better. In your exhaustion you start getting sloppy. You break the rhythm, you miss a beat. You can’t keep this up much longer and you need an out. When you think you see him slow down a bit you come in with a strike, hoping if you hit him you’ll be done for the day even if it may get worse and even if it’s predictable. You miss and find his sword slashing your chest.

 

It hurts like hell. You scream, you know you shouldn't scream, Bro wouldn’t be screaming right now. He doesn’t say a word, just leaves and you know you’re thankfully done for the day.

 

You try your best to get down the stairs as quickly as possible even as you can barely move. You head to the bathroom, throwing off your shirt and looking at the wound. It’s deep and it’ll take a while to heal but you should be okay if you can stop the blood loss. Something like this happened when you were 8, a mistake with your leg. You try your best to stitch it up like Bro did then, doing your best to ignore the pain.

 

You get it done without passing out. The stitches are uneven but you’re glad you at least got it done. You faint there on the bathroom floor, not giving a damn what Bro might do to you while you’re asleep or about putting your shirt back on.

 

When you wake up you know you can’t move. You don’t think Bro will make you do another strife for a while. He’s doesn’t mind scarring you up or making you go through hell but he does give you proper time to heal at least. You should be safe for about 2 months with as bad as this one is. Somehow you feel glad you got hurt this bad since you’ll be safe for a bit.

 

You open Pesterchum to try asking John for advice. He’s probably not the best person to ask but it can’t hurt to ask. Also you don’t want to worry Jade with this or get any of Rose’s prying questions.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostlyTrickster [GT] at 23:44

TG: john are you up  
TG: i need some help with something  
TG: i got fucked up in a strife and i need to know if you know anything about knife wounds  
TG: now that i ask that i realize theres no way youd know anything about knife wounds  
TG: jade is probably better to ask about this she lives out on an island on her own she probably has actual medical training  
TG: im still asking anyways  
TG: john you there  
GT: wait did you say knife wounds?  
TG: yeah my chest got fucked up  
GT: who even attacked you? are you okay?  
TG: ill be fine but any advice is good advice  
GT: wait.  
GT: this is a prank isnt it? to make up for that time i told you i fell down the stairs and broke my legs a few weeks ago?  
GT: or some sbahj thing?  
TG: john i did not fall for that for a goddamn second and we both know it  
TG: also yeah this was a prank  
TG: im fine and i was just messing with you  
GT: i knew it!  
GT: ill figure some way to get you back for this but i dont know if i can top getting chest slashed by a knife.  
GT: i think i started too big and this escalated too quickly.  
GT: ive got to go now but goodnight!  
GT: good luck with that knife wound you asshole!

ghostlyTrickster [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 00:18

 

You probably should’ve just told him what actually happened but knowing John and judging by how that conversation was going he probably wouldn’t have taken it that seriously. You go back to sleep, tired and hoping that when you wake up again you can make it to your room for better sleep and your food and drink stash.

 

You bolt awake, much older and with different shades on your face. You’re not in that day anymore, you’re not even on that planet. You don’t feel the pain of a bloody wound that wasn’t properly stitched up on your chest. Karkat wakes up next to you and when you feel him move you nearly jump out of your skin. You rub your eyes from behind your shades, ignoring how your face feels uncomfortable from sleeping with them on. You’re not crying. You’re fine. You’re not going to pretend this isn’t happening either, you’re staying here in this moment. Your eyes meet Karkat’s who’s looking at you with concern. Fuck, you’re crying.

 

You take a shaky breath, trying to keep yourself steady, trying to pretend this isn’t happening. You want to be anywhere but this situation right now, breaking down in front of Karkat and remembering one of the worst strifes you’d ever had.

 

Karkat looks at you and reaches a hand towards you, testing if it’s okay for him to touch you and calm you down. You try not to flinch. It’s Karkat, he wants to hold you, he doesn’t want to hurt you. You flinch in spite of yourself but before he can pull away you grab onto him. Bro never touched you or hugged you, you need some confirmation that you’re not there anymore. He begins petting your hair almost immediately, trying his best to calm you down as he makes shooshing noises. You shake and try to talk, half speaking to yourself.

 

“I’m fine, I’m fine. It was just a nightmare, Karkat I’m fine.”

He speaks loudly as he always does but rather than being upsetting it’s reassuring. “Dave you don’t have to pretend nothing is wrong. You’re safe and if you want to talk about it you can.”

“Let’s just do this for now.”

 

You don’t speak further about it for a good half an hour. He just holds you until you stop shaking and stop flinching every time he moves his hands.

 

He speaks cautiously, “I don’t know if it’ll make it better but I can listen if you want me to.”

You sit up and take a deep breath before deciding to take him up on the offer this time. “You know that scar on my chest that goes from my shoulder and across my chest to my stomach?”

He nods.

“I was remembering how I got it.”

He doesn’t push it anymore. You’ve talked about Bro before. He can fill in the blanks.

 

You spend some time trying to get your breathing even. Karkat sits up and presses some kisses to the side of your head as he holds you. Eventually lay back down. He holds you gently and you don’t feel quite as panicked as you did. You try to fall asleep and though it takes a while, you manage to. This time you don’t dream.


End file.
